“Don’t let people rest their loins on the back of your past to satisfy their insecurities.”
He didn’t know. He wasn’t aware of the depth of our conversations – the respect of opinions, the laughter, wisdom and knowledge we shared. He wasn’t aware of the depth of our love for each other. So much so, that my love for her did not die with her. It lives forever in my heart. He didn’t know because if he had known, he wouldn’t say what he said.
It didn’t matter that I was affectionally called her baby sister, Sandy loved, respected and valued my opinion. How do I know, because she’d tell me so. She allowed me to speak and listen without interruption. She embraced the worst and the best of me. Not only did she love me but she liked me. She trusted me. She trusted that I would utilize my gifts and talents to help family, friends and humankind. So, here I am in hopes that this will help somebody as it has me.
When people became angry with me about something I said or did; when my intentions were not meant for evil but for their good, she’d say, “They’re just mad because you’re telling the truth.” “They know they’re wrong,” she would say. She would often say, “Felisa, don’t worry about it. They’re going to need you before you need them.” Behind it, she’d say, “Mark my words.” Not that I doubted what she was saying, but I found this to be true, not once, not twice, but time and time again.
When I find myself in a seasonal drought of love, patience, and understanding from people, I’m watered with her words. As I am thinking even now, for her to make these statements, lets me know how well she knew me. I am a person who likes to be alone; enjoys being around people but it’s not a longing. I am happiest when I am alone. I get to spend more time with God. I am more productive when left alone. The quality and quantity of my work is better. I am better. I believe Sandy knew that it really wouldn’t matter that I’d sometimes be left alone or that communication would be cut short because of something I said. She may have thought, it wouldn’t matter at times that I’d sometimes be rejected, and still be okay.
If not careful, as a part of my nature, I could easily slip away from people for long periods and still be okay. Believe it or not, it takes a concerted effort for me to be in the company of or engaged with others without the assembly of love or life changing cause or event. And, it doesn’t mean that I am angry or upset with anyone. It would sometimes bother me that I was this way but, I’ve learned to better accept it. I had to come to the realization that it’s just who I am and have always been since a young girl. Alone does not mean lonely. I am at a place now that when I sense an encroachment on my liberties, I resist and say aloud, “Leave me alone!”
I still have two dishes in my cabinet that belonged to Sandy. I’ve never liked mixed match or incomplete dishes and or silverware. I’ve gotten rid of several over the years because of it – even donated a few but these two dishes have remained. Big Sis. would send me home with a plate or two of food after having already enjoyed a scrumptious meal with her at her home. She would insist that I take more home for my family and I. I’d ask, “Do you have any paper plates or plastic containers?” Sometimes I’d leave with food on a paper plate but oftentimes, I wouldn’t. In any event, because I didn’t want to leave her home with her beautiful plates, made me even more apprehensive to decline her offer. Not to mention, at one time, she’d say, “Girl, make sure you bring my plates back.” And, so I would. As years progressed, her demands for a return became less. When, I would try to return them, she’d tell me to keep them. She’d say, “Girl, I’m not worried about those dishes.” As I think back (although I do more of it now), Sandy knew that I didn’t like eating out of paper plates and preferred drinking out of glasses instead of cups. Nonetheless, because I was returning home, it would be easy for me to just transfer it from a paper plate to a plate from my cabinet. I don’t really know why she thought it best for me to hold on to them but for what ever the reason, I’m so glad that she did.
She was always in her kitchen cabinets and linen closets looking to gift me before my departure. At times, she’d already purchased and stored something specifically for me. She’d keep it handy until my next visit. Just yesterday, I looked to find a shower curtain that would go with the bathroom décor that I’d just changed out of and came across a shower curtain she’d given me. It matched perfectly. It didn’t have to be any special occasion for her to give, it was just something she did. She’d say, “I thought it looked just like you, so I had to get it.” She kept me stocked with bubble baths and shower gels even when I’d ask her to stop spending her money on me. There was no stopping her. She’d say, “They had a good sale on all your favorite fragrances, so I got you some.” Wow! It just occurred to me, that she spoiled me and that it just didn’t begin in my adult years, but she’s always showered me with gifts or tokens of love since I was a little girl. I never thought of myself as spoiled because I didn’t make any demands and it was so rare that I asked anything of her. She just wanted to give and she did it from the heart.
When she became employed as a young woman, she would take me and her son Dawon downtown to shop. Starting out, she’d frame it as, she was going shopping for him. So I thought I was just tagging along. Moreover, I was just happy to be in their company. We’d stop for a bite to eat at Murphy’s or McDonald’s. We would have so much fun on our outings. She knew how much I loved Dawon and how much he loved me. He was more like a little brother to me and just like she didn’t mind taking me places, it was nothing for me to let him walk to the candy store with friends and I. I was fine with him playing with us in our front or backyard. I remember watching and caring for him very closely as a young auntie. I didn’t want anything bad to happen to him.
Memories are special keepsakes to cherish forever. I know more than ever what is meant by these three words, “Cherish the memories.” Cherish the memories so that memories won’t be dislodged in the throat of a deadly mottled story but that it will be a rainbow of life for your soul.
Say what you know is true.
Women's International Covenant 